I feel ….fine?
That’s great to say.
I intentionally have not weighed myself in over two years, and when I see a doctor I asked to be weighed backwards and not told the number. I didn’t know if knowing the number would bother me, but life is pretty good on the “scales suck” side of things and I didn’t want to risk getting upset or triggered by any number.
The nurse at the GI doctor a few days ago respected my wishes. However, they gave me print out after my appointment and while scanning it I happened to see my vitals. I didn’t even know what I was looking at when I saw the number, then I checked over to the side and saw that it said “weight.”
I was shocked. I just didn’t expect to findout my weight at that moment after over two years of blissful ignorance.
I tend to guesttimate my weight when I’m required to provide it. And know what? My weight was pretty darn close to what I guess. I got on the scale with my clothes and shoes on, and I was three pounds above my standard guess. I guess I know myself pretty well!
So, about that number…
It’s a higher number than I’m used to. It’s actually the same weight I was at back in my senior year of college when I felt fat, depressed, and ugly. Those are awful words to call anyone, especially yourself, but it is how I felt.
But I don’t feel that way now! I am the same weight, but I don’t feel ugly or fat. I feel bigger than I used to be, and pretty bloated and lethargic a lot of time due to digestion issues, but I also feel loved and happy and beautiful.
I think I’m carrying my weight differently. I eat more nutritious foods and have put on more muscle, so I’m sure that changes the way I look at this weight.
So what now?
Nothing I guess.
Would I like to tone up a bit, lose some bloat, etc? Yeah. Duh. I think most women would. It’s nothing about not loving my body now or hating the way I look or hating the number on the scale, it’s just (like it or not) a pretty human (or “woman”) thing to want, even if secretly. I don’t know that that will ever go away, but how I handle it is what counts.
Will I do anything about it? Nah. Nothing major at least. I’m not trying to lose any weight. My body may change a bit due to changing the way I eat for my IBS, but it may not. That’s not my goal. I don’t have much energy for working out right now, but I have to find a way to get through this relay race I’m running in a month. After that I’d like to focus more on strength and yoga, but that’s just the standard flow of workout phases for me. Maybe I’ll start to care more about getting super strong, maybe it’ll be the last thing on my mind. I’m focused on my GI issues right now.
I’m proud that the number doesn’t affect me very much. I’m proud that I can be at one of my highest weights and still feel beautiful. I’m proud that I’ve come this far.
So now I know. Who knows when I’ll find out again. But at least I don’t have to be scared of it.
- Do you use a scale? Does the number affect you?
- Have you considered ditching the scale?
As it is the anniversary of September 11th, I’m remembering that tragic day and everyone that lost their lives or someone they loved.5