I apologize for not having updated you on my emotional eating struggle yet, but each day and each week are so different that I feel I may speak too soon.
There are a variety of things I’m doing to help myself, including finding a counselor here in St. Louis. Ultimately, I think that intuitive eating is the direction I need to take. I catch myself thinking “I’ll just use my will power to eat healthy foods” or “I’ll make a commitment to stop eating sweets” or “I better indulge now because tomorrow I’m going to get healthy again” and then I realize that is the opposite of the relationship I want with food. That is deprivation, rules, and guilt.
There are a variety of past and current situations and emotions that result in my off-and-on struggle with trusting my body and eating normally. It was really hard for me to, after being stable for a few years, admit that I was having eating issues again. But I need to accept what’s going on and tackle the problem instead of hoping it will go away. Saying that I’m going to eat a certain way or follow certain rules is not a long-term solution.
Intuitive Eating is.
March Intuitive Eating Challenge
I wrote about Jamie’s Intuitive Eating Challenge last month, and I’m happy to say I’m participating again in March. Last month I just read the emails each morning and appreciated their comforting words, but didn’t embrace the challenge entirely. When it told me to go eat whatever I wanted without guilt, I still let the “but you need to eat more vegetables” get in the way of what I truly craved, ignoring my body’s cues and leading to tons of snacking later on.
This time I want to dive in 100%. It is strange to ignore some of the nutrition knowledge I’ve amassed over the years, to eat foods that I crave even if they aren’t what I think I “should” be eating, and to know that it may take a little bit of trial and error. However, I want to trust myself. I know that any struggle I have at the beginning is worth it to finally learn myself and my hunger once and for all. That a few weeks or months of experimenting can eventually lead me to a lifetime of food freedom.
My goal is that food will be a fun, delicious, nutritious, and social part of my day, but not a source of anxiety and not the only thing on my mind.
The Beginning
I had my 15 minute intro call with Jamie last Thursday, and it was so enlightening. I hadn’t talked to someone that understands my mindset and situation in so long!
I bombarded her with an overview of every single idea going around in my head, but she listened patiently and had thoughtful ideas. Here just a few of the things we discussed in regards to this new eating struggle:
- If this emotional eating is just my previous eating disorder manifesting itself in a new way due to some new stressors and life situations. That the history of depression and addiction in my family may lend itself to a lifetime of that.
- My wanting to remove myself from the anorexic label so much that I go in the other direction – I eat to prove to others and myself that I am no longer sick…
- The stress/uncertainty of my career change causing eating issues to resurface, perhaps as a result of feeling lost, unworthy, confused…
- Feeling “different” that most other 25 year olds that still love to go to bars, drink a lot, etc. I feel a lot of pressure to do those things, even though they don’t make me feel good. It leads me to feel really anti-social and lonely.
My brain is a mess right now, right? Maybe some of you can relate to a few of those feelings…I think that seeing a counselor will certainly be helpful!
The challenge started March 1st and to say I’m enjoying it is an understatement. The Facebook group is wonderful. Everyone is so open in sharing their experiences, from feeling really crappy after eating cookies and pizza all day to realizing that they really didn’t like the taste of some of their “safe” foods. Some are making major break throughs and trying things they used to never let themselves eat, and others are really struggling with learning their hunger and cravings. I’m so so thrilled to have a place I can be open and feel supported.
A few of my specific learnings:
- A combination of Crossfit, Jamie Eason’s Live Fit Trainer, and other Fitness blogs have led me to believe that one of my favorite breakfasts – toast with almond butter and banana – is too many carbs and not enough protein. I stopped letting myself have it, even though I often crave it and it satisfies me
- Having a few girl scout cookies after dinner is much better than trying to have just a “handful” of jellybeans or chocolate chips, which always leads to me going back for more and more.
So again, to ANYONE struggling with their eating – whether it is that you are too rigid with your food choices or you feel like you lose control around sweets – Jamie’s challenge could be perfect for you.
I’m also reading a few books:
- 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food – pretty basic, but great ideas of things to do when you notice you want to reach for the pantry
- Breaking Free from Emotional Eating – Geneen Roth is brilliant. I read another book of hers, Women Food and God, after learning from her at Integrative Nutrition. I’m only a few chapters into this book, and I already feel like she knows me. She covers about my every emotion. Highly recommended.
(amazon affiliate links to those books above.)
This month I’m going to do my best to remove any guilt about who I am or what I’m going through and really focus on taking care of myself. Jamie’s encouragement was for me to just start OWNING me. Funny that one of my 2012 goals was to own who I am, and I somehow have lost that. I have some struggles that I wish I didn’t, but it’s ME and I need to be my own friend.
Great post and insight into what helped you!
Great post! I’m sure you’ll do well with this since you’ve approached it with such an open mind. It’s a very hard thing to do, even though it sounds so easy on the surface. Good luck!
Let me just say I could have written this post myself. I felt like I was reading my recent thoughts, even as specific as the part about AB&B toast! You’ve definitely inspired me to look more into this challenge and the books you’re reading. Thank you!
So good to hear! Good luck!
Thank you for that post! It really got me thinking….
I am an Intuitive Eating counselor and I couldn’t be happier your bringing awareness to such an incredible program! It certainly sounds like something you will benefit from, and I look forward to hearing more about your journey with it.
A book that really helped me recently with intuitive eating is called “mindful eating” by Jan Chozen Bays. It just helps you become more aware of cues and also how to appreciate food and view it as a means of sustenance by enjoying it without distraction (challenges you to not eat mindlessly in front of the TV, which leaves you dissatisfied because you aren’t aware of eating and then want more) and enjoy every bite separately, differentiating between the many types of hunger, etc. I highly recommend it! It definitely helped me slow down and pay more attention to what is on my plate and going into my mouth….when you do that, each meal is more satisfying and I found myself less likely to reach for snacks in between. Good luck!
I will check that one out!! Thanks!
btw, i have been reading for awhile and when i first saw a picture of your mom on your blog thought she looked so familiar! it all made sense later when you mentioned she is on the pi phi AAC board–i was a pi phi at wash u ! graduated in 2010
No way!! You def. knew my mom then:)
Your thoughts behind what is going on are exactly how I feel. I struggle with the “proving to others” that I’m okay by eating a ton of food. And I sometimes try and restrict what I’m eating but if I had just eaten what I wanted in the first place, I wouldn’t have gone crazy. It sounds like you’re really getting a lot out of the program. This is definitely a mindset I’m working towards.
Check out some of those books! <3
I just wanted to comment to say – a lot of what you feel seems to be really normal for someone in their 20′s (I say this as someone with similar issues which manifest in non-food ways.)
Realistically, what I’ve learned through therapy is that focusing on the outputs (what you’re eating, how you’re acting, how you feel pressured to do things) is going to be a constant chase until you come to grips with the underlying inputs are. Then, it’s not necessarily about stopping those inputs (shaming yourself for a variety of feelings you have) but instead understanding why you have them and accepting them as okay (i.e., not shaming yourself) and then having strategies to make sure they don’t take over your life.
Mental illness is unbelievably prevalent – moreso than anyone wants to admit – and there’s no shame in accepting it’s part of who you are and something you’ll battle for a long time. Good luck!
Totally – I’m a huge advocate of removing the stigma around mental disease. And IE is all about addressing your underlying emotional issues and not using food to try to cure them! Thanks for the support!
Wow…Clare, this is a great post. I needed something like this. I’ve been going through a lot of the same struggles recently and it’s certainly no fun, haha. This post gave me the nudge I needed to really try and change my bad habits. Thanks
Of course! I hope you look into some of the books or even one of the challenges – they aren’t expensive!
Or check out your local library…
Glad you wrote about this, Clare. I think it’s such a relatable topic and something a LOT of people struggle with whether they’ve had an eating disorder in the past or not. Especially in the 20s. I always find myself thinking I “should” do something – whether its eating, working out, errands. I should eat less fruits because of the sugar, I should lift heavier. But frankly, I’m a barre instructor who takes 6 classes and teaches 5. I run. I LOVE fruit and eat it all day long. I hate that those things should make me feel guilty because other people are living their life in another way. I’m like you…I don’t like drinking. For no other reason that I don’t like the feeling of being drunk or out of control, it brings out a part of my personality that is very anxious and not fun. A lot of my friends still don’t understand this, which is kind of baffling to me, but I’m not going to feel pressured to do something I don’t like. It took a while to take up the courage just to say “no” to these things…before I was always afraid of not fitting in, now I can go and just milk one drink or have none at all! Definitely all about owning yourself, your feelings, and your own personal needs and forgetting the “should”s.
<3 thank you! so nice to hear from others that relate!
This post is so brave of you to share, but I know you’ll be helping so many others by sharing your experience with this all. So much love to you girl! xoxo
Thanks for the book recommendations. A lot of things you talked about in this post really resonated with me. I think a lot of people struggle with that mindset. I think it’s incredible that you’re able to recognize it and are willing to make a change. Not a lot of people can say that!
hey clare,
i have to admit, i’ve had some jealousy reading your blog lately– i’ve had a rough time with my pre-health, post-graduation plans (being rejected by schools), so it was hard to read about all of your acceptances, even though i was so happy for you! in fact, i can’t believe i’m even talking about “blog envy,” but there you go.
today’s post really got me hooked again. i am a few months away from 25 and totally hear you regarding feeling lame, etc. about not going out enough, being social enough, yadda yadda yadda. i live in a very rural area, so it’s hard to do too much anyway, but i still feel guilt about my granny sleep time, simple nights (that i love, but are probably boring to others). i think it’s helpful to think that in the end, i’m not going to regret not going crazy every night. when i want to go out, i do; when i don’t, i don’t. (intuitive socializing, eh?) you’re not alone, and i think we’re the better for it :] we pack so much into our days, anyway!
thanks for a great post!
xx
Hey Court – so sorry about the envy thing…I didn’t want to come across as gloating! But I’m glad to have you back again:) We can have Friday night chats at home haha
oh jeez you didn’t gloat at all!!! didn’t mean to give that impression. (just my own insecurities- ha) friday night chats sound good… if i’m up past nine ;-p
Clare, I’m a lurker who’s never commented before, but I felt compelled to respond to this post! I totally get every single thing you said in this post, particularly the part about not eating toast with almond butter and banana slices because it was too “carb-heavy.” I too have struggled with emotional eating, and depriving myself of healthy things and indulgences that I enjoy…all for the sake of trying to remain “lean” because that’s what Jamie Eason, or Oxygen magazine, or CrossFit told me to eat. Recently, finally giving up all of my food rules and actually eating more has really helped me to normalize my relationship with food. While I don’t really weigh myself, my clothes are actually fitting better because I’m not in that “deprive and then overeat” cycle. Good luck with everything! It’s a really hard process, but over time intuitive eating will become much easier.
So good to hear!! I’m hoping the same happens:)
I loved reading this. Especially when you said that other 25yr olds love to go out to bars and party still and that leaves you feeling isolated. I have always felt this way. All my friends went through a party stage in college and I didn’t…I basically only went to a bar on my 21st birthday! I’ve always been the one who turns down the invites to the parties because they make me uncomfortable and drinking makes me impossibly sick, and that lead almost everyone to leave me behind (nobody thought that maybe I’d still like to hang out over coffee or dinner!). That made me very depressed and a very “focused” eater too. Anyways, I feel like I can relate to your struggles and can’t wait to see how this next month helps you.
Great post! Don’t feel anti-social not going to the bars! I am the same way. Relish in the fact that you’ll be saving money and getting more sleep with no post-bar late night eating – these things will be good for your wallet, health, and fitness! Good luck on your challenge!!!
Definitely relish those things, but need to make sure I find other ways to be social too!
Intuitive Eating saved my life. There is also a book called Intuitive Eating that is very helpful! Good luck to you, Clare!
I want to get that one too!
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your vulnerability. It takes so much courage and faith to lay it all out there. You are reaching so many women by making yourself an open book, you have a gift.
And I am so so happy to hear you are eating AB and toast again, how refreshing. I have cringed at so many health and fitness bloggers going “anti-grain” and getting into a mindset of protein protein protein. We only need 0.7 grams/protein per kg of body weight. That’s roughy 45-50 grams for a 120-130 pound woman. And there’s 35 grams in a 4 oz chicken breast.
It is so refreshing to see you tuning into to what you need rather than getting sucked into this paleo/highprotein/low[er]carb diet trend happening. Eat clean food that makes you feel good- including some good ole classic nutbutter and toast
have a wonderful day, friend.
Thank you Robin!! Means so much, especially coming from an RD!:)
This post resonates a lot with me. Fortuantely I never had an ED but I have the mentality that goes along with it. I OBSESS over calories, macros, etc. but then my emotions hit me and I find myself eating spoonfuls of nut butters, bowls of pasta..
This week I am trying to get back on track with healthy eating by the Tone It Up plan. Good luck with your intuitive eating
Good luck with tone it up – if you find that having a plan/schedule isn’t working, consider intuitive eating too!!
This is great post Clare! Thank you for being so open about this. A lot of us can relate and is nice to see we are not alone! Know that your honesty helps us all! Xoxo
I have been an on and off reader for a long time; a sometimes commenter. Lately, I haven’t been reading as much, mostly because I don’t feel in touch with a lot of what you write about these days. However, this post hit home and I relate in more ways than one!
First, I really like this open and honest post. It is so hard to be honest in a world full of critics. It is hard enough to be honest with ourselves!
As a woman in her 30′s, let me just say, you aren’t alone. I used to think when I was 15, it would be better at 20. At 20, it would be better when I was 30. At 30, it would be better now. I still struggle with many of these issues. I never had an ED, thankfully, but I have struggled with the idea of keeping up with my friends or feeling older than I am. You are so not alone! Normal. Normal. Normal!
Thank you!!
I had (Dave’s Killer Sprouted grain) toast with peanut butter and honey for breakfast this morning
My “bioindividuality” really prefers lots of complex carbs.
Not to discount or diminish any of the mental working-though that you’re doing here but I think you should also keep in mind the powerful effect some of the chemicals found in our food can have on your brain. I realize you don’t eat much processed food, but for those who do, it can add immensely to a struggle with intuitive eating. HFCS, artificial sweeteners (in your gum?), MSG (and ALL it’s forms) are scientifically proven to cause reactions in your brain that make you crave more processed food.
Granted, this is a side note to a much bigger mental health topic here, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I have found myself to be particularly sensitive to these chemicals.
Very interesting…I’ll keep that in mind!
Great post and best of luck to you , you can do it!
Thanks for sharing! I’m so guilty of feeling guilty after an indulgence. I just ate a banana after lunch for “dessert”, and immediately realized I had a banana at breakfast and started beating myself up about the carb intake. It’s good to know someone else go through similar struggles and its helpful to see the steps you are taking to overcome it.
and that was just a banana..a FRUIT! You can totally get to a better place – I’d encourage you to look into intuitive eating!
Thank you so much for this! We need to have more “healthy living blogs” take this balanced mindset on. It is brave of you, to BE YOU. And you are BEing YOU!!!!! YAY!!!
You are not alone, I feel exactly the same way. I’m 27 and I feel socially isolated very often because I’m not very interested in going out drinking. I have a very strict diet due to some medical issues, and often find myself denying what I like and what’s safe because I feel like I’m lacking the variety or correct macronutrient makeup that I’m supposed to follow.
Good luck with intuitive eating, I am in the same boat. Trying to have a healthier relationship with food. It’s hard but it is really something that must be done. I am going up and down so much it’s getting really frustrating. And exhausting. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey!
oh my goodness!!!!!! the facebook group is seriously the best thing ever! I totally agree! so helpful! I’ve loved allllll of your help so much babe! I cannot thank you enough!!!!!!!!!! never will i ever be able to thank you.
anyways, just like you, I am in this 100%! I want to gain as much as I can through this and definitely think I am! I want more of these posts girl!!!!!! i loved this!
love YOU
I’m so happy for you that you’ve finally reached this stage in your eating journey. I think most of the fortunate ones get here and ultimately regain a healthy relationship with food.
I read Intuitive Eating about a year ago and I reread it every once in a while. I decided to totally embrace it and at first I did gain weight because I had whatever I wanted, which when you deprive yourself is a lot of food. Then slowly my body normalized and I don’t have compulsive urges to eat or continuous obsessive thoughts about food. Now I can concentrate on school, enjoy the moment, and feel normal. I really do credit the book. I went to college nutritionists around the same time and frankly the book was the critical component to me becoming healthy. Even reading Amazon reviews of the book gave me hope and gave me the courage to dive in. I hope others read my comment, which I see as an example of a success story, and give it a shot.
By the way, I was in your FB group, Claire and that was around the time I started this journey and I posted of my positive successes. I am happy to report that I am that same person and still going strong
SO AWESOME!! Sounds like I really need to read the book. Thanks for sharing your journey/success!
Thanks for this great post Clare! I relate to it on so many levels but its especially nice to know that I’m not the only 20 something out there who isn’t super interested in going out and getting drunk all the time. I share that issue of “feeling different” and sometimes feeling really lame! Thanks again for being so open and honest!
Just something I’ve learned while I’ve been trying to recover the past year– often eating disorders/disordered thinking gain power simply from us thinking we have a “huge problem with food that needs to be solved” and judging ourselves from being different than most, in the first place. Geneen Roth emphasizes approaching food and eating habits with curiosity rather than judgement. So are we different than most in their mid twenties when it comes to lifestyle and eating? Sure we are. But that doesn’t make us wrong or bad! From your writing I can tell you’re already tracking on that info : ). Now if only I could take my own advice!
Love that point!
Since reading this post I’ve been listening to videos on You Tube about Intuitive eating and am definitely going to get one of those books. It’s something I’ve been trying to do since I stopped using myfitnesspal a couple of weeks ago. At first I loved tracking the calories, I even blogged about how much i loved it, but then I realised I was becoming too concerned with being on or under my goal. I wasn’t living in the moment, I wasn’t giving my body what I wanted or eating when I wanted to. I was being too rigid. Eating foods with a specific amount of calories. Not having that extra apple with PB that i wanted as it would push my calories over the daily goal. NOT something I want in my life. I definitely relate to some of your points.
You’re making things far too difficult for yourself I have an essay about this kind of thing at: https://slrman.wordpress.com/category/fitness/
The real secret is not to give up everything you like, but to consume fewer calories than you burn. Yes, you should try to eat healthy foods, but that does not mean never have anything you really like again. Read my article and view my video at:
http://s1181.beta.photobucket.com/user/slrman/media/FitComm.mp4.html?sort=3&o=42
If you contact me, I’ll send you a free copy of my book, “Fit For Free Forever”
Thank you for sharing this! I have been struggling so much with emotional eating lately. I’ve been stressed between school and a baby that stopped sleeping, and I’m in the “I deserve at least this peanut butter cup” space. I don’t want that relationship with food either. Best of luck to you with the challenge. I am going to pick up those two books!
Thanks for this post! I’ve struggled with many of these same things, and I love reading your perspective. Thanks for sharing!