The most common question I got from people when I posted about getting my period back was, “How did you handle it?”
How did I handle the weight gain?
How did I handle the negative emotions?
How did I keep going on bad body image days?
How did I resist the desire to be skinny?
The answer I gave was written really haphazardly and from my heart. It may not be 100% correct or work for everyone, but it’s the motivation I kept going back to over and over again when I decided to get healthy for good. It’s definitely not beautiful writing, but it’s raw and honest. I thought I’d share it here in case anyone else had that same question.
“The mental aspect was really hard, but I’ll try to explain. For me, my eating disorder, bingeing, and nasty preoccupied food and body image thoughts were affecting my life so negatively that I HAD to change. ANYTHING was better than continuing on with them. I had all these goals – a healthy marriage one day, a baby, a successful career, thriving friendships – and all I saw was my ED getting in the way. Me feeling awful after a binge. Being too nervous to go to social outings. My body image issues affecting my love life. My preoccupation with food and exercise preventing me from putting my all into my career. That HAD to end.
All the people I looked up to and admired…it was NOT because of their weight, their clothing size, or how much they exercised. It was because they were so kind, talented, and made a difference in society. THAT was what I wanted to be. THAT was my goal, and IS my goal. I want to be remembered for all the things I can accomplish and the great relationships I have, not because I was skinny. How many important people in the world are remembered because they were skinny?
And I wanted to take care of these things NOW before I get farther down the road. I want whoever I end up dating and marrying to love me the size I’m supposed to be, not the size I am trying to be when I’m super skinny. Because that won’t last forever, and then when I gain weight…what happens? I want someone who thinks I’m sexy at ANY size.
I also know I can’t fully love someone, appropriately take care of a baby or a relationship, until I’ve taken care of myself. And I’m getting older and more ready for those bigger things, so this part about me and my relationship with food and my body HAD to happen.”
- What’s your motivation?