My clothes don’t fit.
In the past few weeks I’ve chosen to take my health seriously and conquer my eating issues once and for all. I’m eating more and working out less. Truthfully, if my metabolism weren’t so damaged I may not be gaining much weight. However due to years of under-fueling for the amount of exercising I was doing, it seems that my body isn’t quite happy where it is. So I’m finally letting my body heal and learn to trust me. That means eating consistently more and not stressing my body with exercise.
And I’ve gained weight.
It’s not fun. I mean, it KIND of is. The part where I eat tons because ‘I have to!” is kind of fun, but the gaining weight part and feeling bloated part is no fun.
And what’s really not fun is having clothes that don’t fit.
Even on days when I’ve felt okay about myself, waking up and realizing that I have no shorts or pants to wear is really hard. It’s made this process seem paralyzing. I felt like I couldn’t continue on with my normal life because I couldn’t even get dressed for it. I basically had a few loose dresses and some spandex workout pants. It sucked.
So what’s the prescription for that?
I wasn’t too thrilled about having to spend money on a new wardrobe, but it isn’t practical to stare into my closet, day-after-day, at things that are a size too small and feel terrible.
First stop last week was GAP for some new jeans. They are a size bigger than normal, but they fit and that alone feels great.
Then on the way home from Virginia Beach yesterday I stopped at the Williamsburg Outlets. This was very much planned, as I thought the outlets would be a perfect place to get some new clothes at a bit of a discount. I can do serious damage at J.Crew…
And I did!
I felt guilty. I didn’t like handing over my credit card, especially because I have clothes that I love at home and I also have an income hovering around zero. I really hope I don’t have to spend even more money on bigger sizes in a few months, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I didn’t go too crazy yesterday and bought things that made me feel fabulous.
I bought new shapes – things that tuck in at the waste and flare out, hiding the parts I don’t feel great about. I got a few more business-y pieces I can wear when I shadow and volunteer at the hospital. I snagged a pair of 50% off shorts to finish out the rest of summer and an adorable jacket for when fall comes.
Oh, and a bracelet I’d been eyeing online that there was only ONE left of and was 30% off. Meant to be? I think so.
So three shopping bags later, I can be happy about getting dressed again.
I wish I could say that my body image was good enough that this wasn’t hard on me, but unfortunately it’s not there yet. Learning to love my body even as it gets bigger is going to be a process, but a necessary and worthy one. It’s going to be important to do things to make myself feel pretty and loved, and if that means spending a little bit of money then so be it.
My health is worth it.